La Pine, Oregon

Back when I wrote one of my first posts on here I was living with my parents in Salem. Before that I was living in Portland and going to community college. It was then, around the fall of 2011 that my mom sent me word of my dad's diagnosis. I wish I could say my decision to leave school was entirely because of my concern for my father but that wouldn't be the truth. It wouldn't be a lie either, do not mistake me, but I was at an impasse in my life, my courses were garbage and I was struggling with some major depression. Not to mention my money-spending habits and the way we used to party back than.
When I left for home, part of me was hopeful that I'd come home to my family with open arms and hearts. I had this vision of my dad and I sitting down at some bar, just drinking and drinking and swapping stories. A last hurrah before he really lost it. Needless to say the actuality of the situation was nothing like my daydreams. My mom's work life had recently become volatile and money was tight already with my dad not working so whenever she came home the atmosphere always seemed very tense. My dad had also failed to live up to my expectations. In the early stages he became very grumpy and frustrated easily. My brother and Have always been the type of people who sponge off the moods of those around us so cooped up in our tiny house we became nest of fear, aggression and sadness.
Now, I won't go into it too much more but my things have always been rough between my parents and I even before the diagnosis so it's always been hard to reconcile but the reason I'm telling you this is because I've been here at their house for a day and a half now and I actually feel like I'm fitting in a bit better.
See, when I went back to 'take care' of my dad the first time, I was running away from my school and my job. This time I'm not here for good, and my dad is actually in need of me. I know that's a fucked up concept but I really like that for once I feel like I'm worth something to them. It feels really empowering.

They got a new puppy. That takes the puppy count to a whopping four. It's a bit chaotic here but I feel like having the dogs around to fuss over gives dad something to keep him lucid.

Arson and Uneployment

In the four years I've lived in Portland nothing has ever happened to me personally that would lead me to describe Portland as 'dangerous' until last night. Our third floor apartment overlooks the alley housing all of the building's trash cans and last night some giggly little punks decided it would be funny to start a fire.
I heard them laughing and talking to each other, which isn't odd in itself because bums get in there and dig through trash all the time but then I heard the telltale 'whooshing' fire noise and someone yell for help. I went to the window and saw the light and even as I was looking down at the opposite wall I could tell it was intensifying by the second. Next thing I know my adrenaline kicks in and I started to panic. I ran back into the living room and told Keegan and we grabbed our coats and ran outside. I went out and yelled frantically in the hall until everyone knew I was serious.
Here's the video I took from my phone once we got out.

That's Keegan and I on the video, and that pop you hear is another fire starting across the street.

It was bizarre and I feel like a fool for getting so worked up now but I had no idea what was gonna happen and in those types of situations when your heart is beating so fast you just react. In the end we found out that they lit it right next to the gas line and it could have been a lot worse so with that in mind we all went to sleep without news of the arsonist's fates. A preliminary portland news search this morning didn't turn up much so I suppose it must not be that big of a deal all things considered, but it shook me up quite a bit.

In other news I am still unemployed but with the North Dakota plan in mind I am feeling a renewed sense of dedication. I applied for 3 places today which isn't really much to brag about but I think I'll look for three more later if I remember and 6 jobs applied for is 6 more than I had yesterday. Yesterday was the worst. I had that depressed feeling, lethargic, hollow. I couldn't sit and do nothing and nothing seemed worth doing. The fire hit me like a lightening bolt and I was back to normal after that. This morning I vowed to manage my video game time which is something I haven't done in awhile. It's not bad so far but we'll see if I can keep it up.

Bad Dreams

Last night I was awoken at 3am by one of the most horrifying dreams I've had in a long time. After getting up and emptying my bladder I went straight to the computer and typed it into an open skype window.

[3:36:27 AM] Zach: This one feels like an old one
[3:36:48 AM] Zach: It's from the perspective of heather the vcharacter from silent hill 4
[3:37:03 AM] Zach: but mostly from mine
[3:37:14 AM] Zach: I can't remember the first bit
[3:37:43 AM] Zach: but it looks liek this massive, super mario galaxy style world
[3:38:00 AM] Zach: all hanging about in this pink sunset nothingness
[3:38:14 AM] Zach: and it looks like alice in wonderland
[3:38:54 AM] Zach: as you traverse this place the whole rig seems to move and you arrive at your first destination
[3:39:01 AM] Zach: a mall around christmas time
[3:39:52 AM] Zach: as you walk out of an empty parking garage you expect the worst but realize everyhing is just about what it seems and you make your way to the first floor of the mall
[3:40:06 AM] Zach: employees seem to be packing up
[3:40:52 AM] Zach: a few of the female employees are hanging around a large affluent looking guy who seems very appreciative of thier attention
[3:41:34 AM] Zach: you look around you at all the beautiful christmas decorations in awe and begin feeling comfortable.
[3:42:09 AM] Zach: it's at this point wherea shopgirl, unnoticed by you gets your attention and tells you to follow her.
[3:42:37 AM] Zach: Your gaze drifts to the man nervously.
[3:42:54 AM] Zach: She smiles and reassures you that he's just the manager
[3:43:20 AM] Zach: so you follow her around the store, weaving in and out of the brightly lit displays
[3:43:41 AM] Zach: "here" she says finally. "For you"
[3:44:01 AM] Zach: and hands you a dark blue package wrapped with ribbon
[3:45:04 AM] Zach: you're excited to be recieving a present but something about looking at the package unnerves you and as you unwrap it you can feel everything else around you begin to unwrap
[3:45:12 AM] Zach: and the girl just smiles and smiles
[3:46:00 AM] Zach: You open the box and inside is a severed human head. Yours.
[3:46:30 AM] Zach: You flip the box over and rush away from the girl, who stands there looking heartbroken.
[3:47:22 AM] Zach: in your haste you pass back by the main counter and as you approach you no longer hear the sound of flirty jubilant women but a sick popping and crunching
[3:47:45 AM] Zach: when you're in eyeshot you see the state of things
[3:49:04 AM] Zach: the affluent man is sickly large and sweating heavily, covored in blood there are two naked corpses on the counter in front of him and he seems to be grabbing and tearing bits of them off and shoveling them feverishly into his mouth.
[3:49:44 AM] Zach: the looks of the faces of the corpeses is of blank, manic happiness, almost as if they where enjoying this.
[3:50:26 AM] Zach: As you speed past you hear him say behind you "Is that the one you're so into jamie?"
[3:51:31 AM] Zach: He lets out a faint snort and you barely make out "Don't let go of the ones you love"
[3:51:45 AM] Zach: You think he was talking to the girl
[3:51:54 AM] Zach: which must mean she's following you
[3:52:15 AM] Zach: so you speed down the stairs and into the parking garage.
[3:52:19 AM] Zach: it's pitch black.
[3:52:29 AM] Zach: but you must locate your car.
[3:52:37 AM] Zach: and then I woke up
[3:52:48 AM] Zach: What the actual fuck is wrong with me

I'd like to start keeping these until I have enough to string together into a singular nightmare themed horror story. I mean I hope I don't have anymore dreams like this but if I do, at least they'll be useful.

A year and ten days from my first post

It's been approximately that long since I wrote the first of the two existing posts on this neglected blog but here I am.
I read the other two over and it still surprises me how much can change in a year. It's not as though a stranger wrote those words but I certainly don't recognize the author as the person I am now, but I suppose that's life. Perpetual change and growth and refinement.
 More updates to come I think. Stay tuned.

In his shoes

As I've mentioned in pretty concise detail, I've moved back home. Half to take care of my father and half because I'm poor and have no other viable way to live, save couch hopping. It's been a few weeks since my last entry which was pretty much on the day I've moved in. It's been good to take refuge again. The failure and depression I battled at the apartment really took it's toll on me both physically and emotionally.
While there have been a number of events that could be considered noteworthy in the time between now and my last entry, I want to talk about a specific incident that just happened and struck me as odd, or perhaps poetic?
I'd been working on Son of Sam all day. I was tired and sore from my helping an old pal of mine move apartments. A third floor apartment's worth of junk and furniture to his sister's fourth floor. I worked feverishly because I was back on my ADD medication and finished a whole page in a day. By six o' clock my lungs felt like they were on fire and I had the makings of a monster headache brewing, so I invited Jackie out to eat. It was enjoyable, we ate at a McMinnamin's that we'd never been to. It had tall pine trees in the back, and I insisted we take a seat there so I could enjoy my cigarettes. In between Team Fortress 2, Buffy's humorously archaic depictions of technology, we talked of getting older. How time passes faster and how I wish I could go back to the place in time where I could spend half a day staring at my grandma's quilted blankets alone in my room.
Our meal concluded and I drove home, sufficiently smoked up.

When I arrived home it was still quite late and the house was quiet. Most nights everyone follows my dad to bed around 9 and it was just after ten. Feeling a bit dehydrated I went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While filling my cup I kept hearing a noise outside, I flipped the light on a peaked out. MY dad had left the water on and the hose was drowning the lawn. I was about to go out and turn it off but I didn't want to get my socks all muddy, so I looked around for something to slip into only to find a pair of my dad's grey converse. I quickly put my feet in and noticed the dramatic size difference. That's when I caught the surreal feeling of it all and I just paused. I looked up at myself in the reflection on the sliding glass door. I looked ridiculous in them  and I could feel the indents worn into the insoles, hills and valleys to my feet.
Still feeling a bit odd and smiling I tromped outside and turned off the water.

Sometimes I feel old but perhaps I have more time than I realize.